


Look Away

by Shadow_Assassin



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel (Comics), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, spideypool - Fandom
Genre: Confusion, Death, Experimentation, Halucinations, Love, M/M, Mystery, Not Beta Read, Not Really Character Death, Not entirely on purpose tho.. Because Wade doesn't trust his mind, Not real, Sort of emotional abuse?, Stolen, mentions (assumptions) of dubious consent or BDSM, not really - Freeform, or peter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 11:29:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9121516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_Assassin/pseuds/Shadow_Assassin
Summary: Peter doesn't understand. Why can't anyone hear him? Why won't anyone pay attention? Why can't they see?.... Why can't he rememberPeter doesn't understand why everyone has abandoned him. They have all turned and looked away. Leaving him to himself. Leaving him to emptiness and loneliness..... All he wants is loveBeing edited, don't let the tiny size of the prologue scare you away... Pwease?





	1. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, bear with me. The prologue has an odd point of view. A mix of 1st and 2nd but just hang on tight.

Hey there readers!  
So..... some of you (Probable None) might have noticed that 17/18 of the chapters in this story have been deleted. HaHA opps....JK. That was on purpose.   
SO. I'm editing. Yes, your prayers have been answered, Praise the Lord God Almighty.   
Soooooooo, this note is here to 1.) just let you guys know as an FWI, and 2.) to get this baby back into present fic circulation.   
Chapters will be longer, more detailed, better laid out... well overall improved... hence the whole editing thing.   
Until next time my Lovelies!

The Prologue is edited, It's extra short, but I promise chapters will be much better and not all weird like the prologue is... 

 

Toodles!


	2. Author's Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So. I’m editing this because it’s been a year and I looked at it and just about died... because it sucks and shouldn’t have been posted like it had been originally on December 30th, 2016. very sorry. But I fix!

Okay, bare with me. The prologue has an odd point of view. A mix of 1st and 2nd but just hang on.

Note there is no connection to this story or the Stopwatch collection

 

  
I look away from those who remind me of you... Because I know they aren't my Baby boy.

I look away from your possessions knowing that they will never be used by their owner again.... But I don’t have the courage to put them away, or hide them from view. I'm afraid I might forget you if I dare hide your memories away.

I look away from your side of the bed, because I know I'll never wake up to see you sleeping next to me. I know your side will forever be absent of your warmth, just as your calming, clean scent has long faded away from our pillows.

I look away from the news papers, their headlines still questioning where their New York hero has gone.

I look away from your team mate’s expressions, knowing they must blame me for your death. I know I do. I wasn't there to save you. My life is expendable, no one other than you cared and now you're gone.

I look away guiltily from your other self hanging in the closet. The empty mask staring blankly into nothingness, waiting for the spider to comeback and save the world again. Web cartridges refilled from when you had planned on coming back after your return.

It look away from your Aunt, your only family when she insists on visiting. I always sit waiting for her blaming words that never come....Instead I only receive her motherly comfort and tears before she leaves. Once again leaving me completely alone with nothing but teasing reminders of your absence.

I look away from myself in the mirror. Without you all I can do is focus on the ugly, scared, monster. All I can hear is the frenzied craze of insanity inside my head. You had been my reason to love, to live. You had shown me how to appreciate myself again, but without you I have no reason to. You had loved me, you told me everyday and yet sometimes I would doubt your beautiful words. I regret ever having such thoughts. I know you would have never lied to me.

. . .

Only now I look away from you. I can see you in the reflection of the mirror, staring at me sadly, in disappointment.  
I know it's not you. It's only one of the many hallucinations that plague me. The longer you stay away the worse they’ve become... You only ever have come to leave me even more so broken and desperate when your image disappears. You always retreat to my mind, fading from sight because I can’t stop torturing myself with you.

I try to look away when you call my name, only to have your hand gently turn my face to look at you.

I glance away from your eyes, because I know you're supposed to be dead. You have been dead. Even when your warm hand cups my cheek I still look away. This is only a cruel creation my mind that should soon pass.

"Wade please look at me." You say ever so gently. I can hear your concealed fear as I continue to reject your presence. You’re just an image. A mirage that will dissipate the moment I give in.

...But I’m weak. So I look.

Our eyes meet, dark against light. I could never resist a request from you. My eyes meet my Petey’s once again. Staring into the deep ocean green irises. The small wisps of white and grey disrupting the pattern of the waves.

" I wish you where here." I say quietly. " I'm so sorry. I should have been there. It's my fault you're not here. Truly, actually here." I say, my eyes taking in your beautiful face before it can vanish from my sight. It doesn’t.

" Wade I am here." You say, your eyes filled with so many confusing emotions I can't place and focus on just one.

I shake my head gently. I know my Peter never lied, but this isn't the real Peter... This isn't my Peter.

" Wade. I'm really here." You insist but I know better then to believe. I saw your cold body...

" I miss you so much. It's my fault you're gone. I'm sorry."

" Wade nothing's your fault. I'm right here." You say a little more desperately. Your eyes searching mine franticly as your hands move to grip my shoulders. " Wade you have to believe me. I'm here." My Petey insists.

" I don't know what to believe anymore." I whisper truthfully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited  
> 12/1


	3. One Too Many Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter shook his head. No. the truth was, he didn't. He had no idea what was really going on, and he didn't want to know what Wade meant when he kept insisting that he was dead.
> 
> Wade watched Peter's eyes stare up at him, insisting that he was alive, insisting that there was nothing wrong. There was something concerning and odd about this Peter, but maybe Wade just needed to convince Peter, to make him understand what had happened in order to make him go away... Maybe it was just Wade who needed convincing himself.
> 
> "Peter. You died."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MEEP MEEP! Here comes an update!

" Wade, please. I'm standing right in front of you! Why won't you believe me? " Peter said, his voice quickly rising to the point that he's screaming at the man across from him, his face red and tear stained. He didn't understand. Why was Wade acting so weird? Like an utter jackass?

" Okay, Yes Peter I know you're right here. Just stop yelling." Wade said with an exhausted sigh. He wasn't up for this, he wanted the mind tricks to just stop. He was tired and was past the point of wanting to curl in on himself from the sight of Peter's pain. His mind was mocking him, he wanted the hallucination to just stop. To just go away.

Peter's anger ebbed away as he stared at Wade like the man had just slapped him. His boyfriend was still acting like Peter wasn't there. Wade was treating him the same way he treated the hallucinations of his daughter when he was having bad days with the voices. "You still don't believe?" The arachnid with such a broken voice that it sent chills up Wade's spine. As he moved towards the shower in their small bathroom... his small bathroom.

It just sounded so real.

"I wish I could afford to. But we all know that it will just end in disaster. We can't lose ourselves to our mind. I- I can't fall victim to them any more than I already have. This is just the boxes. You're not here Peter." Wade said before he pulled his shirt over his head.

The shower would calm him down. They always gave the Merc the opportunity to calm down. The boxes always relaxed when he was under the warm spray of water. This should work all the same. If he could calm down then Peter would go away. He could free himself of the pain that threatened to choke him when he saw the young man standing there staring back at him. It had always worked before. It should work now. He just wanted the chance to feel sane. He wanted a moment to pretend that he wasn't unstable, a-

 **[ A monster, insane, ugly, broken, dysfunctional, angry, dangerous. Make it all go away, Wade. We don't want to see this. We don't want him any more than you do. Make him go away. ]** Yellow said, his voice somewhere between a growl and a plea.

..... Blood was always easier to clean off of the bathroom tiles anyway.

 **[ Paint the walls with your blood like you let those people paint the pavement with Peter's. ]** The box snarled angrily.

Peter had never liked messes. He most certainly would hate the messes Wade liked to make now. The Merc always cleaned them up though. He wouldn't want to disappoint his baby boy, even if Petey wasn't here to appreciate what Wade was doing.... Not that he'd like why Wade was doing it.

. . . If everything was clean, it was a way of keeping Peter alive, a way of remembering him and pretending like someday Peter wouldn't be gone.

 **( But we can't do it right. There is something off when we clean. Not quite organized enough, not completely aligned or spotless the way Peter liked..... We can't do anything right)** White sighed sadly.

Peter stared at Wade with wounded astonishment as the mercenary continued to undress, his back to the arachnid.

"Why?" Peter tried to ask but all that came out was something close to a whimper as he balanced right on the edge of tears. Why? What had he done? What hadn't he done?

The hero's eyes fell to the tiled floor. What had he done? He realized he couldn't remember. The more he tried to think the farther the memories seemed to slip away from him. H- he just couldn't. There was nothing. He knew who Wade was, he knew that they were lovers, he knew everything about the man but could recall any one memory. There was nothing, no childhood, no past relationships, he couldn't remember a single mission he'd been on, or being with the Avengers. He knew he was Spider-Man, but he couldn't remember being Spider-Man.

Peter absentmindedly reached for the switch to turn on the bathroom fan. He knew Wade always forgot to turn it on. Or at least Wade wouldn't admit he did it on purpose because he liked getting out and the room being warm from the condensation of his hot shower. Of course, Peter wasn't sure how he knew that. But he did.

Wade paused in the movement of pulling the shower curtain to look up at Peter, glancing up at the vent as it whirred to life before his eyes fell back down to Peter, staring with mild concern before shaking his head and closing the curtain. He was just imagining it after all. It would be insane to believe that that had been anything but a master trick of his mind. He probably turned the vent on himself and didn't notice it at first.

Peter watched in his appointment as Wade continued to ignore him minutes after he'd gotten his attention with the fan. The silvery flowers of the cloth curtain on the exterior of the tub did little to hide his partner from his view, only a thick white stripe on the curtain at about hip height hiding Wade's genitalia from sight. A clever design by whoever made the curtain, a detail Peter had never really noticed due to normalcy having always been in the shower with Wade.

Peter stood their quietly for minutes, maybe only seconds. He really wasn't sure, it didn't really matter because it struck him that maybe he didn't need to convince Wade by his word. Any hallucination would say that they were real, but Wade could convince him with touch, with love and feeling.

Peter stood a little straighter as thought through the idea. Yes, it could work. The Body would have a hard time imagining touch sensation while in an awake state. The brunette turned to the mirror to look at himself, running his hand through his hair, giving himself a nod of reassurance before looking back over at the shower. The arachnid took a breath before he pulled his shirt over his head, tossing it over into the corner of the bathroom over by the door, tossing of his shoes and socks before unbuttoning his pants. He slid them off along with his boxers, shoving the clothing over to be with his shirt.

Peter pauses, looking over his shoulder and back into the mirror, his eyes tracing over his own pale skin and the muscle of his back like he himself was trying to be sure that he wasn't going to disappear. Once he was more than reassured that he wasn't a vampire, he slowly made his way over to the shower.

He hesitantly moves the curtain aside just enough to look in on Wade, quietly looking at his boyfriend's features as the water cascades around him. Wade's eyes are shut as he faces up into the warm spray, his expression anything but peaceful was Peter looks at him. Peter knows him well enough to be able to see the man was fighting with himself, trying to block out the world around him. He was trying to ignore his voices, his own existence, the world.... Peter's presence.

Finally, Peter stepped into the tub silently, his powers keeping him from slipping and his skin from squeaking on the porcelain as he stepped in. The water tickled his feet as he stood under the arch of water that Wade was standing, watching the taller male for a few seconds before reaching out to him.

" Wade," Peter said softly as he placed a soft hand on Wade's scared chest, looking up into Blue eyes when they opened in surprise to stare down at Peter.

Surprise quickly shifted to sadness and a hint of despair when the merc realized that it was still Peter, that the young man was still there. "Why won't you leave me?" The man whispered, looking down at Peter with pained eyes.

Peter flinched away from Wade's words, despite their soft delivery, they had still packed quite the punch, even after hours of going through this cycle of conversation with Wade. The arachnid shook his head at the Dad question, pulling himself against Wade in a one-sided hug, trying to convince Wade that he was there. That he wasn't dead, that he was standing right there in front of him, open and begging for affection and attention. "Wade, I don't want to go away, I've never wanted to leave. How long will it take for me to get that through your thick skull?" Peter muttered against Wade's

"But you have. You do every time you make that promise. You broke it when you died, you broke it the first night you showed up, only hours after your accident, you've broken it every time! Every Time! No matter how many times I've tried to beg you to stay you leave, you always break your promises that I won't be left alone. And guess what Peter? Saying that I'll always be in your heart doesn't doesn't change shit! You're still gone, you're still just my mind choosing to torture me by reminding me every day of what I've done. Of what I hadn't done, how I killed you!" Wade snapped. "Every time I wake up, you're gone. What makes this time any more special than the last?"

"Wade, for the last time, I'm not dead. I don't know who put that in your head or what's going on, but you're not imagining me. Someone is messing with us and I'm sorry that's 'been hurting you, but here we are, In the Here and the Now." Peter insisted, looking up at Wade, hands coming to cup either side of the Merc's lovely face.

**( Hey! Fanfic reference! )**

**[ Shut it ]**

"You know very well what happened Peter," Wade whispered in disappointment like he was talking to a relentless child.

Peter shook his head. No. the truth was, he didn't. He had no idea what was really going on, and he didn't want to know what Wade meant when he kept insisting that he was dead.

Wade watched Peter's eyes stare up at him, insisting that he was alive, insisting that there was nothing wrong. There was something concerning and odd about this Peter, but maybe Wade just needed to convince Peter, to make him understand what had happened in order to make him go away... Maybe it was just Wade who needed convincing himself.

"Peter." Wade started, Slowly and with a pained, sad expression. "I love you. I have and always will love you. But you're dead Peter. You died, and there's no coming back from that." The merc said the words with an earnest expression, trying to get the other to understand. He just wanted the arachnid to understand.

" W-What?" 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do You think? This has been edited and posted 12/10
> 
> *Fanfic referenced is my own. GO ahead and check it out. It's Spideypool!
> 
> Thank you to those who commented and who left kudos, I love you all and i appreciate the support so very much.


	4. To Just Look Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter never knew he could make such a horrified sound.

"I- I. What? No Wade. You've been tricked. There's something going on. I'm not dead Wade, please, I promise I'm real. I'm right here. right here in front of you." Peter stuttered over himself, reaching out for Wade, needing something to hold onto. 

Wade hushed him, pulling Peter in closer so that the arachnid was pressed close to his chest as he shook his head. "Shh, it's okay," Wade repeated, losing his fingers in the mess that was Peter's hair as he held Peter firmly. It was so convincing. It would be so easy just to believe this was Peter. It felt 

Eventually, Peter calmed back down, clinging to Wade as he silently wept.

What if Wade was right? But then what would that mean if Peter was really dead? Was he not the real Peter? Was that why he couldn't remember anything? 

NO! No, that wasn't true. Peter knew Wade. He knew his boyfriend. He remembered things, just not he wanted to. He couldn't remember the first time they slept together, but he knew upon instinct that it had been amazing and hot. He could remember that Wade held him close and kissed his neck before he fell asleep. He remembered, he just couldn't see it in his mind. It was there, he could feel it was there, he was just drawing up a blank.

Wade calmed Peter's thoughts when he began to stroke Peter's hair. Wade didn't want to listen to the young man. He couldn't stand it to hear any more of the boy's confusing denial. It was cruel. A cruel, nasty joke his mind had put together. He just wanted Peter to be quiet. 

Before Peter could start to talk again Wade found Peter's shampoo and poured a small amount onto his hand before gently sudsing Peter's damp hair.

It was just so real. The way he could feel all the hair between his fingers, the way Peter was warmly pressed up against his chest. Maybe he was being given one last chance to say what he wanted . . . to make up for what he had missed that final day before Peter was taken away. 

There was no sound other than the sound of water spray hitting the tile and soft skin as the soap was washed away from Peter's hair. Even the voices in Wade's head where choosing t be silent in this delicate moment. Scared hands smoothed conditioner throughout Peter's thick, coffee colored hair before leaving it alone for the hydrating oils to soak in while he moved on to massage well-defined muscle belonging to the arachnid. Memorizing the feel of his Baby Boy under his hands, conveying his love through the gentle ministrations. 

" I love you, Peter. so much. And I really miss you . . .  And I'd promised that I'd never leave you. I Promised that I'd never disappeared, that I wouldn't leave you like everyone else in your life had. I knew someday that I'd have to let you go, but I didn't think it would have to be so soon. I'm starting to realize that I'm never going to be ready to accept that you're going to be gone forever one day. That one day you're going to even stop haunting me in my mind because so much time will go by that I'll forget the only one who ever loved me. I could have saved you, Peter. I shouldn't have left your side. I thought I was being a hero when I was trying to save them . . . But I don't want to be a hero. It cost me my care in life. I shouldn't have listened. I should have kept my promise to you and stuck next to your side. I could have saved you." Wade confessed as he pulled Peter flush against him in a hug, ignoring the slick feel of conditioner on his cheek.

Peter blinked in surprise as Wade spoke, grasping for something to say when he looked down at Peter with glistening eyes.

"You've never left me. You're here now." Peter managed to whisper.  

" Yes, I did. I listened to you when I shouldn't have. You don't remember because my mind is choosing not to let me accept what happened. I've been to enough people to know why you keep denying it. Why you keep trying to tell me you're here... Just please stop. I Know you're not. I know I'm just trying to cope"

At some point, the water is shut off when Peter pulled away from Wade just enough to look up at him with dark green eyes. "Wade. I really am not a part of your imagination. Ther are no tricks or hallucinations. Just me." 

"Just stop. Please, Peter." Wade said, retracting away from Peter. "you're not mine anymore." Peter belonged to Death now. 

The arachnid watched his Boyfriend step out with wide eyes hat threatened to release dammed up tears as a result of his building frustration. He's not gone. He's right here, he didn't die. Peter sniffed as he moved to follow the Merc, pushing aside the curtain and stepping over the side of the tub and onto the fuzzy rug below. Peter tried to ignore the pain that was brought to him when Wade refused to hand him a towel or even look at him as the man left the small, warm room. Peter dried himself off quickly before wrapping the towel he'd grabbed for himself around his waist to follow after his Lover.

Wade didn't understand why the dream was being so consistent, why he insisted on torturing himself with the realistic images of his Baby Boy. He needed it to stop. 

**[ You wouldn't have to worry about it anymore if you ended it. Forced your mind to stop it's own little game. ]**

**( But then we might lose our chance to show him how much we love him.)**

**[ This isn't him anyway. He'll disappear the moment the bullet goes through your head. He won't be here to torture you anymore.]**

" Wade?" Peter questioned from somewhere behind him.

Blue eyes stare down at the pistol in his hands. He could end it. Make this pain and all the guilt a little easier to bear without his boy there.

"Peter. I love you."  Wade said, not looking back at Peter. " I-I'm sorry, " he added one last time. The final words meaning so much just before he pulled the trigger of gun hed shoved under his chin.

....

Peter never knew he could make such a horrified sound until after he watched his love's brain splatter over his skin.


End file.
